Crazy School

Things are a getting hectic for school right now, so my posting may be sporadic. I just need to get my head cleared a bit with all the assignments and such. I've been walking around in a bit of a fog.

Mindful

As I mentioned in the previous post I'm in the midst of reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh. And although I'm not very far into this slim little book yet, I can't help but notice I'm seriously lacking skills regarding a few of the major focuses of the book: mindfulness and living in the present moment. I'm always looking to the future, thinking about what I need to do next, worrying about what I need to do before the semester finishes, and on and on and on.

One of the passages that especially struck me involved the author remembering eating a cookie as a child and being completely present in that moment of savouring a delicious treat. He enjoyed the flavours, as well as everything in his surroundings while he ate. I realized that the times where I truly enjoyed something as simple as eating something I enjoyed were few and far between. And I want to enjoy my cookies dang it!

Right now I'm at a point where I'm trying to undo some of the damage I've done to myself in the past. I've always been one to beat myself up over small things and this mixed in with the fact that don't have a lot of self-confidence has made for some difficult times. And right now is one of those times. It's to the point where it's really interfering in my life. Lack of sleep, anxiety, feeling run down, and all that wonderful stuff. So, I'm on a mission to make things a little bit better. And I'm aiming to start by remembering to breathe and trying as much as possible to be in the present moment. Seems simple, yes? I know it's not that simple, but I'm guessing the first step is just to try, so that's what I'll do.

Book Meme

Book Meme

Lisa at Knitting Yarns has this up on her blog. I love books and I also obviously love memes, so here goes:

The book that’s been on your shelves the longest.

This would likely be The Phantom Tollbooth by Norman Juster. I read it in elementary school and have generally had it on my various bookshelves ever since.

A book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time).

The Nymph and the Lamp by Thomas Raddall. My wedding shower had a wonderful theme. It included 2 things that I loved: books and potluck. So, every guest was asked to bring as their shower gift a book that was special to them in some way. Some people brought recipe books, novels, memoirs, and even a cat encyclopedia of some sort (I like cats).

The above title is the book that my Nana gave to me. I love my Nan for oh so many reasons. She's spunky, wonderful, fair, funny, and thoughtful. She's many things I aspire to be. The book of course would always remind me of my Nan (umm gift from her, yeah), but it also brings a smile to my face because I truly and thoroughly enjoyed this novel. It's about a smart woman, a solitary man, and their bumpy and wending road to love...and it has a teensy Nova Scotia island as the backdrop...and I love the maritimes.

The book that’s been with you to the most places.

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith. I love the narrator, it makes me laugh, and I love it. Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit down, this sweet little books helps to bring me back up.

The most recent addition to your shelves.

Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith.

Your current read, your last read, and the book you'll read next.

I'm in the midst of reading Peace is Every Step slowly, I just finished It Sucked and then I Cried by Heather Armstrong (partially skimmed it), and I imagine I will start The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls fairly soon. Maybe I'll start it soon. I just started school (today!) and I'm not sure I'll have all that much time for pleasure reading. Bah, It may take some fancy finagling on my part, but I really should be able to make some time.

*Finito!* Anyone feel like sharing their favourite books, recent reads, or rotten reads. I always love to hear about books.

Date

Today I hit the movie theatre solo. This is a first for me. And I quite enjoyed myself. Why did I wait so long to do this?

Obviously nobody cared that I was there all by my lonesome. Who would care? In the past I've thought about taking the plunge and heading out on my own, but I always held back because I was worried about how it would look. And really, how would it look? Like I was a person who was comfortable enough to go to a movie by myself. Not like I was a person was so friendless as to have to see a movie on my own. Pure silliness in my part.

I saw Julie & Julia. Perfect movie to see on one's own. It was sweet, funny, and not all that hard on one's brain.

This movie made me want to cook. This movie made me want to watch Julia Child reruns. This movie solidified my desire to meet Meryl Streep. This movie made me want to marry Paul Child (I loved Stanley Tucci in this!).

Now I'm going to flex my culinary muscles and make a pasta salad for dinner. I won't have to flex too hard, my pasta salads are super simple. Veggies, rotini, cheese, chickpeas, dressing, and done.

Nesting

Lately I've been having the urge to have my own place. That I can paint. Where I can create a garden. Where I can sit at a little bistro table in the morning and have tea.

I know I could have all this with a rental, but my current living situations just don't fit. They are both apartments overlooking parking lots. Beauty personified.

In the future I see myself living in a cozy home, hopefully a cottage. I'd like to have the funds to buy a nice, smallish piece (1/2-1 acre) of land and build our own place on that. Hopefully we can swing it in the next 10 years. I love the older styles in craftsman or 1 & 1/2 story wartime homes, but I like the idea of being able to build a house to suit our tastes and not have to think about some of the issues that can come with owning an older home.

I've also been hankering to have a yard. Even though I'm a complete garden neophyte. Lately I've been making sure to catch The City Gardener on HGTV because I really like the types of gardens Matt James creates. I don't love the idea of having just grass and a few plants in the backyard, I'd prefer to have beautiful sights, sounds, and smells to surround me while I relax. But as I mentioned previously I've never been much of a gardener. My childhood experiences with plants include strawberry picking, slowly seeing all of the trees on my parent's lot removed, and eating carrots from the gardens of various neighbours. Nevertheless, lately I've been feeling inspired to try growing things, care for them, and watch them flourish.

Yeah, I'm definitely feeling the urge to nest. Babies...no. House...yes.

A Wee Bit Nostalgic

My 10 year high school reunion is tomorrow. And I'm feeling a little nostalgic. I'm not actually attending the event, but nevertheless memories of high school have been floating through my head for the past few days. Of course I've been wondering what people are up to, who has kids, who has travelled the world, and all those random types of questions.

In some ways I can't believe that it's been 10 years since I graduated from high school. I don't feel like I'm 28, I still feel like I'm in my early 20's. I don't have a house, don't have kids, and don't have a career (just yet). I'm also still in school and will be for a few more years. However, I do feel like a substantial amount of time has passed. Those high school days are off in the distance somewhere...but ten years past? That seems almost unreal to me. I wonder if those people who have the trappings of adulthood underway feel the same way about the time? Maybe they too can't believe it's been a decade.

I'm not upset about missing the reunion. I made the choice not to go based on spending some time with my husband before I go back to school. At first I debated on whether or not to attend. I wondered if the reason I was skipping was truly based on my desire to spend time with Abe or whether or not it was because I was uncomfortable about my life. In the end, although I'm not always 100% about where I'm going with this life, I decided my choice was really based upon my own needs and wants. And I was pleased with that. Although, of course I will still be grilling friends who are attending the reunion most mercilessly.

On another nostalgic note: I found a bunch of CD mixes in my parent's basement from a number of years ago. On the ride home today I blared songs that reminded me of certain people, places, and events. I laughed a bit and shed a tear or two while I was singing my heart out. It was wonderful.

I also determined I have an unhealthy obsession with Madonna's "Like a Prayer". It was on more than one mix and usually the first or second song.

Everything is a Discussion

I like to analyze things. I like to discuss things. Sometimes ad nauseum. And so does my family. And there's the rub.

When it's just me and Abe (the husband) discussing things at length I can handle it. But when it's all the members of my family it grates on my nerves. Yeah, I can dish it out, but I can't take it. And this past trip was filled with discussion discussion discussion.

Here's an example: before heading down to the island, we discussed teams for making dinner. At the cottage we discussed whether or not the team making said dinner should also be responsible for dishes. And then a squabble ensued which included veiled aggression and not so veiled finger pointing. And then we discussed the fight and how the whole team dinner plan was just not working and then we talked about why it didn't work. Blah.

Of course there were also wine fueled discussions of family dynamics and those who seemed to create drama just by waking up in the morning. By the end of the trip I was so damn sick of talking I just wanted to crawl into a comfy little bed and sleep the conversations away.

Mainly I bring this whole issue of family discussions up because I had an uncomfortable/odd experience my first few days on the island. It involved my weight. Who else but family has a discussion right in front of you about your weight? Yeah.

A bit of background to make things clearer: I'm petite (5'2) and on the slender side...but I used to be about 25 pounds heavier than my current weight. And on a 5'2 frame, it was pretty noticeable when I slimmed down. The first summer after I lost the weight (about 6 years ago now) a number of comments were made by family members and most were not positive. I know the comments came out of concern, but sometimes they still smarted. I was hurt about the insinuations people were making.

Basically the same thing happened this year, but instead of random comments, there was a full blown discussion about my weight at a family BBQ. I hated it, I felt like I was on stage and needed to come up with the right answers immediately. I tried to slough off the original question "Have you lost weight?" with a simple "I've been this size for a few years now", but then a chorus of negations ensued from all corners. Anorexia was even mentioned at one point. In all fairness to them, I had a rough summer and when I saw the family was about 5 pounds less than my usual weight. However, I was still hurt and embarrassed that this was mentioned and discussed in a large group of family members.

Later there was some joking, I think in an effort to lighten the mood. But most of the time the jokes were pretty tasteless. For example, as I was heading to the washroom a family member made some joke about bulimia. It was no doubt meant for me to hear and I'm sure he was trying to soften the effects of the previous inquisition, but still...I felt uncomfortable for the rest of my trip in regards to how I was eating.

I think honesty and candidness are great for family talks but, in the end, this was too much for me. In the future I guess I'll just have to be prepared for comments and grow a thicker skin. Or be brave enough to tell them to lay off.